The Wrong Question
Six years ago, I was still legally married to my first husband.
The marriage itself had been over for over 15 years, though.
The problem was that leaving wasn’t nearly as simple as everyone assumes.
Since publishing my best-selling and multi-award-winning debut memoir GASPING FOR AIR: The Stranglehold of Narcissistic Abuse, the question I’ve been asked more than any other is:
“Why did you stay?”
It’s a question usually asked with genuine curiosity.
But it’s also the wrong question.
Because relationships aren’t logical.🤔
They’re emotional.😔
If relationships were based solely on logic, nobody would stay with someone who lies to them, betrays them, humiliates them, neglects them, or hurts them.
Yet people do it every day.
Why?
Because they built a life with that person.
Because they have children together.
Because the mortgage has both names on it.
Because there are car payments, retirement accounts, shared responsibilities, and financial realities.
Because families become intertwined.
Because religion tells them marriage is forever.
Because society praises endurance and sacrifice.
Because leaving means becoming the person who “broke up the family.”
And because deep down, they’re still hoping.
Hoping the person they love will finally become the person they keep waiting for.
I know I was.
I knew the red flags 🚩 existed before I married my ex-husband.
But I believed that if I loved him enough, supported him enough, forgave him enough, maybe things would change.
🤷🏼♀️Maybe maturity would change him.
🤷🏼♀️Maybe fatherhood would change him.
🤷🏼♀️Maybe consequences would change him.
🤷🏼♀️Maybe losing me would change him.
But eventually, a painful truth became impossible to ignore:
😔The person I was waiting to change wasn’t going to change.
✨The change had to come from me.
That realization was harder than surviving the abuse.
Not because I didn’t want freedom.
But because I was terrified of becoming the villain in someone else’s story.
I knew there would be consequences.
There always were.
My ex knew exactly where to strike when he felt challenged, too, to ensure my suffering as consequence for offending his ego.
By then, I had already lost much of my support system.
My relationship with my own family had long been fractured.
His family had become distant, as well, as a result of his intentional smearing of my reputation.
The one thing I would never risk losing was my son, though—And both my ex and I knew it.
For years, he used our son as a pawn to instill a fear in me that kept me frozen.
Then, in August of 2020, I called the seventh attorney I had contacted since 2005.
This time was different.
This time, I was ready.✨
Three weeks later, the divorce was final.
No contest.
No alimony.
No child support.
No custody battle.
I wanted only one thing:
Freedom.
Of course, the relationship didn’t end that neatly.
Anyone who has survived narcissistic abuse knows that leaving the marriage and ending the control are often two very different things.
But something had changed.
I had changed.
Somewhere along the way, the woman who spent decades trying to earn love and avoid conflict disappeared.
In her place stood someone new.
💗Someone who honored her own needs.
💗Someone who stopped waiting for permission.
💗Someone who built boundaries around the people, values, and peace she wanted to protect.
💗Someone who realized she had already survived losing everything she feared losing.
And once you’ve survived that?
Fear loses much of its power.
Today, the woman who survived that childhood and that marriage wouldn’t recognize the person I’ve become.
And that’s exactly the point.
Life isn’t about staying the same.
It’s about evolving.
Growing.
Becoming more of who you were always meant to be.
The people who refuse to grow often struggle to see your transformation.
They continue relating to the version of you that benefited them.
The version they understood.
The version they could predict.
✨Let them.
Their perception of you is not your responsibility.
Only you get to decide who you are.
Only you get to determine what you’re worth.
And the moment you do, everything begins to change.
Maybe that’s the better question.
Not, “Why did you stay?”
But:
“What finally convinced you that you deserved more?”
💻For the full story on that narcissistic romantic relationship, go to danasdiaz.com and enter your email to get your FREE download of the first 2 chapters of GASPING FOR AIR: THE STRANGLEHOLD OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE. Available on Amazon, Audible, and Kindle.📚
💗For those who are ready to rise after an abusive relationship. take the Power Shift Diagnostic QUIZ on my website to see where you could use a few shifts to take your power back.
Then, start your journey back to yourself by choosing one of my self-guided or supported courses TODAY!
